things i don’t understand thursday: the female edition

Happy Thursday everyone!  A couple weeks ago I posted a few things that puzzle me about the male species.  I’m going to flip the script this week as this post is aimed towards to female side of things.  If you have ever been in a sorority, on an all-girls team, or been in an environment with tons of women you are bound to meet LOTS of different personalities.

Diversity is a wonderful, fabulous thing…but occasionally you may encounter gals that make you take a step back and think to yourself ‘Seriously!! What is her deal?’

Contrary to popular belief, not all girls fit into the ‘sugar and spice and everything nice’ camp.  Not all women have tact and know what’s appropriate.  Not all ladies actually know how to act like ladies.

Here we go!! Enjoy!

Frenemies. Call me crazy, but I’ve never understood the dynamic of having a ‘frenemy’.  The whole idea is just so unhealthy.  I’m a competitive person by nature, but I’ve never ever ever ever had the need to want to compete with a friend.

Workout wear.  As glamorous as I try to be, I seriously don’t understand why some girls doll themselves up the way they do.  The whole shebang consisting of a face full of make-up, perfectly curled hair, and a perfectly matched outfit is a tad too much in my opinion.  You’ve probably seen them, glistening gently, while attempting to read their Glamour mag, take a drink of water (from a bottle that coincidently matches their outfit), and text while going half the normal speed on the elliptical.

Checking boyfriend/husband’s phone.  I know MANY of girls who are prone to checking their boyfriend’s phone on occasion. I’ve seen it all, everything from the simple run to the bathroom with his phone for a quick peak into who he’s been texting to actually checking his phone, nightly, after he goes to sleep.  It’s understandable that different girls have different relationship dynamics and they are probably used to this type of thing, but it still makes me think that they need to be looking at why they need to do this.  What do they think they’ll find?  If they feel their man is keeping things from them and the only way they’ll find out is through being sneaky and checking his phone, there is definitely a big problem.

The Mark Zuckerberg effect.  Facebook, Facebook, Facebook….where shall I start?  Facebook does great things.  It connects people and gives you the opportunity to keep in touch with family, friends, and loved ones.  Facebook gives you the opportunity to share personal milestones and expose new chapters in life in real time.  That being said, some gals see where others are in life and start to feel a bit bad.  The 20s are a tough time for everyone, so seeing Jane’s status update about her new corporate job in a high rise can be a tad unsettling if you are still shuffling papers at your (unpaid) internship.  Tuning in over Christmas break and seeing shiny rocks and happy engagement posts can really put life in perspective for someone who has struggled dating.  I’ve had a few friends come to me while they were in major slumps in life.  At first they couldn’t identify why they were in such a slump, but after breaking things down a bit they discovered it was triggered by a couple Facebook posts.  Long story short, no matter how secure a woman is, Facebook does have a weird way of making us think ‘Wow, she has a hot husband/clean house/big house/Louboutins/better figure/kids/better job than me/more friends/more money/better hair…What am I doing wrong?’

Lindsay Lohan syndrome.  Bless her sweet little heart.  What has happened to the sweet Lindsay causing a ruckus in the Parent Trap?  What happened to the Lindsay I was so jealous of because she got to kiss Chad Michael Murray during Freaky Friday?  Somewhere between Georgia Rule and her 1^st rehab stint, she went downhill…fast.

Back to my point.  I have always questioned why certain females have a Lindsay Lohan-syndrome where staying out all night partying, getting arrested, and assaulting people is common.  I have known a few girls that execute the Vegas/bachelorette style drinking every weekend.  These weekend warriors live to party.  I’m all for people celebrating what’s important to them, and hey…if you’d rather spend every weekend partying it up, more power to them.  The only problem I have with these pre-funk princesses is their reluctance to enjoy situations that aren’t fuelled with alcohol.  I’ve seen major anxiety and discontent at events where drinking isn’t present.  I’ve seen lots of anger over brunch invitations, who knew suggesting 11:00am on a Saturday was such a big no no?  Ugh.  Another thing I wonder is if these folks are so used to drinking, how in the world do they still lose things, get into altercations, and get sick?  One would think that a seasoned person would know their limit, know NOT to ask another girl at a charity event if her dress is real or a knock off, or for goodness sakes know NOT to leave your TB clutch on the table when you go to the restroom because that shiz will be gone before you know it and you’ll be out $350 dollars.

Kettle black criticism.  Before you start shaking your finger at me, let me retract for a second.  I strongly believe that EVERYONE is beautiful.  No matter what disability, race, creed, gender, height, jean size, hair color/texture, amount of freckles, skin complexion, or what labels your rocking, I see beauty in everyone.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of people that don’t.  What is even more unfortunate is sometimes people who may be battling an certain vanity/self-esteem issue will target others with the same issue and criticize them.  It happens all the time and it seriously bugs the crap out of me.  Just last week, I heard a women with a stronger build gossip about another, making several comments about her weight and went on to state that her husband should maybe limit her diet because she’s ‘let herself go’. Rude, rude, rude.  I wanted to march over to the gossipy lady and snatch the greasy fried chicken and fries from her just because of the weight comment.

I’ve noticed over time that someone who is unhappy with their looks, will highlight other’s problems instead of working on their own.  In the past, I had a beautiful friend who had very intense vanity/self-confidence issues and went about criticizing others in a very unique way.  At first, instead of being judgmental towards others she would ‘fish’ for negative comments about other girls.  When talking to guys, she would suggest a friend that was definitely not the guy’s type and fish for reasons why he didn’t want to date her.  Normally the reasons would include the gal’s weight, which was interesting as this gal’s main problem was with her weight.  She then would go about setting up a group gathering after telling the friend that the guy was interested.  Normally, the girl’s feelings would be majorly hurt because hey, it would totally suck to think a guy totally digs you and then find out in an embarrassing way in front of both his friends and yours that he doesn’t.  In the end, the gal who set everything up would take conscious effort in comforting her friend who was rejected and act as if she had no clue in the world that this would happen.  The gal that I spoke of was able to feel better about herself, but it was at the cost to others.  Although I don’t have much communication with this gal anymore, I sincerely hope that she will outgrow this pattern and learn that she has so much to offer.

Jealousy.  I don’t mean to be that girl, but Keri Hilson was spot on when she said ‘jealousy is the ugliest trait’.  Jealousy IS ugly and very unproductive.  I heard somewhere that jealousy is essentially counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  I love that quote because if you look at everything and covet what they have, you don’t have time to notice what you actually have.  It’s sad how girls will become jealous of someone else and assume that the person is stuck up/mean/rude just because they are pretty.  I don’t like the notion that all ‘pretty girls’ know they are pretty.  It’s true, some girls let the beauty go to their head, but most don’t.  Some of the most beautiful people I’ve met have turned out to be the nicest, most humble girls around.  I’ve also seen jealousy turn a great friendship into a toxic one.  In this day and age, I’m saddened to see that us women can’t be happy for each other.

Cliquiness and exclusivity.  The hardest part of planning a party/get together for me would be finding people’s addresses.  For some girls, the hardest part is the guest list.  Who knew creating a guest list would be so trying? Personally, I’d be exhausted if I took half the time other’s spend deciding who they should invite, who will be upset if they aren’t invited, how to deal with ones who didn’t make the cut, what to say to the people that aren’t coming, how to respond if someone questions why a person isn’t coming, wondering if people judge them by not inviting said person, and so forth.  Not much ticks me off more than this.  If I have a party, I invite everyone. If there is strife between the girls I’m inviting, I’d suggest they put their big girl panties on and deal with it.  Never in a million years would I let someone talk me out of inviting another friend.  This actually happened to me a couple of years ago where a vacation was planned, the plane tickets were bought, and guess who wasn’t invited…me.  My being an advocate for never excluding people I was more annoyed with the situation than sad.  The funny thing was that the gal who was planning it didn’t really try to keep it private.  I actually didn’t find out about said trip until not 1, but 2 coworkers AND my brother questioned why I wasn’t going.  It gets worse.  To add insult to injury, the following week I was approached by a female acquaintance who alerted me that she was invited, but politely declined because she didn’t know the girls too well.

This seems silly, but this situation really put things in perspective for me.  Despite my girly girl, pageant loving, let’s do our nails while we watch the bachelor nature, I’ve never had too many female friends growing up.  Being pretty naïve and inexperienced in female friendships, I was quick to give the benefit of the doubt, quick to let things slide, and even quicker to forgive.  Sadly, this isn’t the first time things have gotten rocky with this particular group of gals.  Something about this situation just stuck out and made me see things clearly.  As much as I wanted friends, I didn’t need to lose my self-respect in order to keep them.   Bottom line: friends don’t exclude friends.

I apologize for getting SO off track there!  Sometimes we all need to vent, right?  Now it’s your turn!!  What things puzzle you about the wonderful female gender?

Much love!

if you really knew me

Lately I read a really sweet get to know me post on one of my favorite daily reads, storyofmylifetheblog.blogspot.com.  After reading, I was inspired to write a little piece of my own.  Enjoy :)

If you really knew me:

You’d know that I believe in good people. 

Oscar Wilde once quoted ‘Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future’.  Call me naïve, but I feel that deep down, everyone is a good person.  Sometimes the trials and tribulations of life, influences, and circumstances can lead someone with a good heart down the road to being someone that they may not be proud of.  I strongly believe that the bullies, mean girls, adulterers, drug abusers, and vengeful folks of the world have something deeper going on that is causing them to act the way they do.  May it be a void in life, jealousy, heartbreak, a bad childhood, or a traumatic experience, I feel that anyone can change.  Anyone can become a good person, therefore I believe in good people.

You’d know that my son is my world.

You’d know that I hate it when people question what ethnicity I am.

I can understand the curiosity as I have a very exotic look, but yet, I wonder why it actually matters.  The funny thing is, 75% of the normally tactless people who ask this have the audacity to argue that I don’t look my race as if I might be mistaken.  Umm… I’m pretty sure I know who my parents are, thank you very much.  This has always struck me as odd because I see people as people, not races.  I admit to being curious, but a large part of me feels that it’s not exactly polite or respectful to ask a complete stranger these type of questions.

You’d know that I’ve met Kris Jenner (aka: Kim Kardashian’s mom).

You’d know that I refuse to eat cold meat. 

The term picky eater doesn’t even come close to defining my weird view on food.  For some reason, I have endless rules and restrictions when it comes to eating.  For example, I will only eat meat if it’s warmed up to my liking.  I don’t like fruit, but will eat it if it’s blended into a smoothie.  I don’t like honey, pumpkin, bananas, cream cheese, avocado, sour cream, ANY condiments, turkey, eggs, or yogurt.  I’m totally grossed out by milk, but force myself to drink it.  My diet essentially consists of meat, vegetables, soup, and potatoes.

You’d know that I am often mistaken for the nanny. 

You’d know that I have a very thick skin. 

When I was younger, the term ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ was an absolute lie.  Call me naïve, but when I was younger I assumed (key word: assumed) everyone would have the same ifyoucan’tsayanythingnicedon’tsayanythingatall mindset as I did.  Little did I know, this wasn’t the case…at all.  I had a very thin skin throughout middle school and high school.  I took things very personally and the simple rude comment from another girl would ruin my week.  Long story short, I was a big baby.  It wasn’t until my early 20’s that I finally realized that not everyone is going to like you, want to be your friend, or be nice to you.  It wasn’t until I got married that I figured this all out.  Marriage did something for me that no other life experience had done before.  Marriage helped me gain the thickest skin I could ever imagine.  I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and perhaps I needed to enter myself into a situation that was once very upsetting to finally see things clearly.  I wasn’t exactly accepted by a couple members of my ex’s family and that lack of acceptance caused some pretty un-fun things to happen.  All things happen for a reason, and I firmly believe that I needed this to help me grow into a more confident, secure woman.

You’d know that I am always 3 or 4 steps behind on what’s popular in music or pop culture.

 I am so far being it’s embarrassing.  I literally just jumped on the Pinterest bandwagon. 

You’d know that I’m obsessed with the author Emily Giffin. 

She’s a genius.

You’d know that I don’t put up with drama.

I have never understood how some people can live in a constant state of drama.  It’s seriously exhausting and a waste of time.  If I have an issue with someone, I will tackle the problem head on and eliminated then and there.  Some people seem to enjoy the he-said/she-said banter and instead of addressing the issue with the individual head on, they talk to anyone and everyone about said issue, thus causing the problem to escalate.  These types of people go on and on about how much they hate drama, but yet they are the ones that are causing most of it.  Long story short: Drama is a waste of energy and time and something I wish to not associate with. 

Choose your battles wisely.

You’d know that I believe modest is the hottest. 

Alright, I’m sure some of you will disagree 100% on this (which is totally fine), but I truly believe modest is the hottest.  The reason being is that I feel men like some things being left to the imagination.  Yes, a low cut top will probably get you a lot of attention, but covering your dirty petals up can do wonders also.  Wearing something that’s figure flattering (no maxi dresses) yet conservative can actually do more for you than having everything on display for everyone to see.  When it comes to dating, I feel men take women who dress conservative a little more seriously.  There are still many guys that love a woman who embraces her sexiness and there isn’t anything wrong with that.  I just feel that by me keeping things…covered up….works for me J.

You’d know that my ‘Love Language’ is pretty much 100% words of affirmation. 

 Positive, loving, and encouraging words are the best thing in the world to me.

You’d know that I am oddly OCD about pens and my handwriting. 

 I will go through 3-4 post it notes if I feel my handwriting doesn’t look good.  Call me crazy, but I feel that certain pens make my handwriting look better. 

You’d know that I don’t understand the appeal of Kim Kardashian. 

I’ve always been baffled why everyone is so obsessed with Kim K.  Don’t get me wrong, she is beautiful...but she's not that beautiful.  I am a big fan of Keeping up with the Kardashians and can sadly say she's the least exciting one of the bunch. 

You’d know that I don’t have a Facebook.

Sorry Mark.

You’d know that I was born with a crooked foot and had to wear a Forest Gump-style brace on my leg when I was 3 years old.



the D word.

The dreaded D word.  

A 7-letter, 2-sylable word that changes everything. No, It’s not deception (although that is pretty bad) or depression (that sucks too). It is Divorce.  There are some people, Elizabeth Taylor types, that find nothing wrong with this word.  The lawyers, the custody battles, and the drama associated is a walk in the park to them.  Sadly, I am not in that particular camp of women.  Divorce is no walk in the park for me, and to put it frankly, it sucks.  The entire process is frustrating and sad.  Splitting up time with you child breaks your heart. 

 In my situation, there were a few factors that led to the break up.  In my mind, it would have been easier if it was one big reason on why we split.  During the process, I stayed pretty quiet about the ordeal.  Only select family members and friends knew, as I wanted to keep the matter private.  I never wanted to be one of those wives who badmouthed my ex to anyone and everyone that listened and went for the jugular in divorce court.  Keeping things civil and maintaining a good relationship with my ex was very important to me because of my son. 

 My parents divorced when I was 13, and although I was unfazed by the situation, I loathed how un-civil the split was.  My mom is a pretty passive person and although, she could have vented and carried on about my dad, she never did.  My dad, unfortunately, was pretty cutthroat in court and did a lot of badmouthing.  I never felt like I was in the middle, I just was uncomfortable hearing those things about my mom.

  After experiencing this, I would never want to put my son in that situation.  As hard as divorce is, I feel it’s very important not put your child in a situation where you are badmouthing your ex or making this child feel like they need to choose.  In my opinion, if you have children and are going through a divorce, the number one concern should be the child.  Luckily, my son was very young and probably won’t remember most of the divorce, but children (no matter how young) can sense emotions and knowing this, I tried to keep my head up (no matter how bad/ugly it got) for him.  Splitting up holidays is very hard, but I know it will get better.  

My advice to anyone going through a divorce (with or without children):

It gets better. 

Remember your first heartbreak and how you were certain that life was ending, the ache in your heart would never go away, and the lump in your throat would be there forever?  Remember how in time, that feeling went away and you can even laugh when you reference the break up?  Don’t get me wrong, heartbreak is awful, but with time it tends to get better.  At the time of your breakup there may not be enough Xanax on earth to ease your broken heart, but if you keep yourself busy, focus on other things, and try to keep a positive mindset, the magical healing process will do it’s magic and you will start to feel like yourself again.  Remember, there is a rainbow after every storm.

 

You are stronger than you think.

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”.  Not to get all churchy on ya, but God will never give you more than you can handle.  I cannot stress enough that us women are much stronger than we think.  When I was married, I couldn’t imagine how I would get over something so awful.  I learned that although, the situation was pretty awful, I stayed strong.  A lot of people who are just learning about the split are shocked by my ability to keep it together and continue my daily routine while dealing with the big D.  My son was one of the biggest reasons I needed to stay strong, and I do admit that if I didn’t have him in my life the whole ‘stay strong aspect’ would have been a tad more difficult.  But, I know even without my son, I still would have survived. 

Life goes on.

‘Oh my gosh, this is the end. The worst has happened’.  This was one of the thoughts that raced through my head when the reality of my divorce sunk in.  Moving from my cute little house that was custom made for us to my mom’s, splitting up assets, transitioning from a Mrs. to Miss, dividing my time with my son, how people would view me, and being alone for the first time in a really long time (I have really never been single, I will get into that at a later time) were all hard things I struggled with.  I feared going back to square one.  Life did in fact go on, and the transitional process is getting better every day.

 

Don’t put your children in the middle.

Okay, okay. I know what you’re thinking.  It’s hard dealing with an ex.  It’s even harder when there are negative and hurt feelings involved.  We are all human and our judgment gets a little foggy when we are angry.  In those moments of anger, we really should be thinking of our children.  Before ripping your ex a new one in front of your kids, please think about how they will react hearing those things.  Will your children feel they are in the middle? Will your children feel uncomfortable?  Divorce is hard on everyone, and in my opinion it’s even harder on the children.  Keep in mind they things are changing in their lives too and they may not be as used to adversity as you are.  

Let go of anger.

“Behind every women scorned, is a man who made her that way”.  Ten points to you if you associated this quote with a Miranda Lambert song.  I feel strongly that the quote/lyric above is very true.  Anger is a hard emotion to break.  Many people live with anger, hurt, and resentment their entire lives.  In the wake of a divorce, one has 2 choices on how to handle such anger.  Option 1 – Drag all of your exes belongings onto the front lawn and light them on fire ‘Waiting to Exhale’ style, then log onto his Facebook account and change his “Interested In” status to men.  Option 2 – Take a step back and calmly deal with your anger and hurt.  Read self-help books and find a support group or someone who has been in a similar situation to talk to.  Trust me, Option 1 is pretty dang tempting and Option 2 is easier said than done.  Like I said earlier, anger is tough emotion, and probably the hardest to deal with.  I have dealt with a whirlwind of emotions through my life (I’m a woman, come on) and there is nothing that can make you go from calm and poised to 50 shades of crazy more than anger.  Anger for me was like wearing a backpack filled with 50 pound of bricks 24 hours, 7 days a week.  I mean, who could ignore 50 lbs strapped to your back every day?   Once I started legging go of my anger, and trust me, it was a process, it was like I was removing one brick slowly until there was nothing left in my imaginary backpack.  That is a silly analogy, but it’s very true.

 

Try to keep the badmouthing to a minimum

Alright, before you think I am getting all holier than thou on you, let me remind you that I am human.  Like I explained earlier, it’s really hard to badmouth, but I have done it too.  If you feel that you have to let off some steam, choose your audience wisely.  Try not to vent to anyone in your husband’s family, friends that you both share, or your children.  Venting to your husband’s family or mutual friends puts them in an awkward position and makes them feel like they need to choose or they may feel like they are betraying your other half by listening to the rant.  Mutual friends may come to you with concern or to seek information (come on, everyone loves a scandal) and you may feel inclined to divulge all the dirty details, but try to keep the negative comments at bay.  This may seem silly, but ‘man-hating’ movies help, A LOT.  Waiting to Exhale, 9 to 5, First Wives Club, The Women, Fried Green Tomatoes, Something to Talk About, and Thelma and Louise are all exceptional choices.  All movies showcase anger in its truest form and how to get over it and build yourself back up.  

Find a hobby or pastime.

The more you dwell on something, the worse it gets.  Finding something that interests you and distracts you from your divorce is a huge help.  If you have children, you will have to find something to fill your time on the days/weekends away from your child.  Take a dance class, take up yoga or barre ballet, plan a couple weekend getaways, get a mani-pedi, craft a little (alright, I know you have just about a million things pinned to your craft board on Pinterest), have a girls night, or brush up on your reading.  

You will find love again.

Deciding when to date again is different for everyone.  Some take longer than others and some are ready to jump right back into dating.  It’s all up to the person and what works for them.   I know 2 people who experienced equally painful divorces, where one was already remarried with children in the amount of time it took other to be emotionally ready. 

Starting back at square one when you haven’t been in the dating game for quite some time is ominous.  The game has changed and re-entering post –divorce can seem overwhelming.  One might assume they are less desirable having a failed marriage under their belt.  One might assume that having children in addition to the failed marriage might scare men off.  Truth be told, some men (mostly immature ones) will be scared off (it’s not like we want immature men anyways, right?) but surprisingly enough, most men won’t.  Times have changed. Divorced women or women with children in the dating game has become increasingly common.  Come to find out there are a lot of men out there who find a divorcé with children strong and more desirable than women with less ‘baggage’.  A good percentage of men were raised by a single mom and admire one’s ability to raise a child on their own.  You still may run the risk of finding a great guy (without children) who doesn’t really ‘get’ kids or a great divorced guy (with children) where either your parenting styles clash or your kids don’t get along with his little ones, but being a divorcé (in my case, with children) wasn’t as bad as I thought.  I did go through a series of emotions where I questioned seriously doubted that anyone would want to date me due to my new role as an ex-wife slash baby momma. BUT, turns out…. ex-wife slash baby momma-me is just as datable as pre-marriage slash pre-baby-me.  Who knew?

Fun Fact: According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are 96 million single adults in the US. There are also 86 single men to every 100 single women.  That’s kind of….a lot. There are plenty fish in the sea.  May the odds be ever in your favor. Ignore the Hunger Games reference.

It’s easier than you think to start over.

I once knew a girl who continually went back to her ex after repeat affairs, deceptions, and verbal abuse.  Her reasoning for going back to this particular man was not because he was charming or because she forgave him, it was her fear of starting over.  See, she had devoted nearly the last decade to him and couldn't fathom how she would get by without him because he was all she knew.  She had been out of work for 5 plus years and doubted that any employer would hire a 29 year old woman whose last job was in 2003.  She doubted that she could provide for her 3 children.  She doubted that she would have the courage to move from her 250K dream house to a small apartment she could barely afford.  But, after 2 years of going back to her ex, she finally started over.  She found a profitable job, moved out, and after budgeting, found a nanny to watch her girls and help out with errands during the day.  Change is tough and starting back at level one is harder.  As I mentioned earlier, God will not give us more than we can handle.